Because of the love and support this community has bestowed upon me, I am finding it much easier to hold onto this new found sense of self-worth rather than returning to the black hole. I have made the decision many times in my life not to be a doormat for others only to return to the black hole within days. That’s because I never had a support system like the one I have found in my followers. It’s mind boggling how a group of perfect strangers can touch the very core of my soul, yet the people I have known forever are blind to my pain.
I am doing this for me. I also find myself looking at the list of people who have liked, followed or commented on my post/posts and realize that I don’t want to let any of you down. You chose to invest some portion of your life into mine and I am honored and grateful. I feel like a little kid who wants to make her mommy and daddy proud.
I have wanted to get serious about this blogging business for a long time and even though I received much love and encouragement with each post, I would continue to allow the gatekeeper of the black hole to convince me that no one really cared about anything I had to say. Well, I fired the gatekeeper and filled in the hole with cement so the joke is on them! I am completely lost when it comes to setting up WordPress so that it looks and functions the way I want it to. I have found a couple of local WordPress groups for beginners. The groups are free and run by people who have been using WordPress for a long time. I hope to someday have enough knowledge so that I will be able to help the newbies. I am going to take some writing courses so that I can feel more confident when I sit down to write. Due to years of neglecting my brain and having to take medication which affects the memory pods, I have forgotten even the basics of grammar.
There are no words to adequately express the love and gratitude I feel for each and every one of you. Thank you for lifting me up out of the darkness and for blocking the way back. I want you to know that every goal I reach and every dream that comes true will have a piece of each of you in it. It touches something very deep inside me when someone takes time out of their life to read my words and an even deeper place when you take the time to share words of encouragement, hope and love. I keep reading the comments of the last few days over and over again and tears stream down my checks. Only now, they are tears of hope and joy. Something is very different this time. I am very different this time. Thank you, from the depths of my soul, thank you.
I am trying to make sure I have responded to everyone. My hacker stalker is back again. I have lived here for eight years and have been through eight computers during that time. I have tried every anti-virus program out there. I have taken the computers to technicians and I have paid other technicians to come to the house. If not for this guy, I would probably be rich right now. I have figured out more on my own than any of them did. I am pretty sure I have a “man in the middle” issue going on. I am going to try yet another company this week. Please keep your fingers crossed. He seems to own my phones as well. The reason I am bringing this up is because if there is anyone whom I have not responded to, I would really like to hear from you as it means I probably didn’t get your message to begin with. Because your responses to my posts are helping me find the determination to never again give up, then it is critical that I don’t miss a single one.
Thank you for hitching a ride on my journey. I don’t know how long this ride will be under construction but I hope it will be a very long time. Perfection is impossible to attain and if we feel there is no longer anything we need to learn in life, then how empty and boring our lives would become.